Taking the Negativity Out

I've come to the conclusion that I am a relatively negative person of late. I was not always so. But I believe that life itself has simply made me jaded. Too many disappointments, too many heartbreaks, too many let downs. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My plan today was to try and make myself as positive as possible. Despite all the negative outside sources, I was determined to be upbeat and positive. I just..feel so run down that it's taking all my effort. And then, news that should make me elated for my friends, just makes me feel even more as though life is passing us by.

See, my Husband is in the Military. And the way promotions work would take forever and a day to explain. So bear with me and just try to understand. When DH set out on his Military Career, he has prior military service via ROTC and a year-long stint at West Point (from where he willingly resigned his commission instead of being medically discharged). He entered into the military and entered straight into school for training in what would be his "rate" (aka job title/position). He had 3 6-month long schools to attend. He exited out of the first two in the top of his class and entered the third in the top 5. He was then asked to remain and teach, something called a "staff pick-up" where former students remain before serving time out in the "field" to teach incoming students what they themselves just learned. These positions are usually kept for the top performing students if there are any staff pick-up spots available. DH gladly accepted the position as we already had DD due at any moment.

During the last 5 years, he's gone up in rank ONCE. While everyone we've kept in contact with that he went to school with, have either gotten out, or have passed him in rank by at least one rank, some even by 2. This, honestly, angers me. Not to see our friends doing so well, but to not understand what the issue is that is preventing DH from "making rank" as they call it. It's practically unheard of, except for those who don't care, to not make rank. Five years in one rank, unless you're already pretty high up (which he is not for his rate at ALL), is unheard of unless you're a scumbag. I would truly like to believe that my husband is not a scumbag, but something is definitely wrong.

And trying to get an answer out of him is impossible. There's always some sort of excuse, some sort of arbitrary reason as to why he is not increasing his rank by at least once in the last 5 years. He's also been eligible for "Senior Supervisor" position for over a year but yet can't seem to get the qualifications done. How is that possible? He's an entire fucking year to do it!

See, my frustration comes out. Now, some people might say "what's the big deal?". I'll tell you. If you do not make advancement in what is considered a satisfactory time, you can become ineligible for reenlistment and forgo all bonuses associated with it. This means you can also be asked to leave Active Duty status early. It's also about money. DH is soon to be capped out for the amount he is able to make for the combined rate, ranking and time-in-rate. There's only one, maybe two more time-in-rate raises available before he's maxed out. So yes, money plays a large part.

The other issue is that we want to expand our family. In some way shape or form, we would like to give DD a sibling. Unfortunately, I just don't see how this is possible due to the current restraint of our finances. DH doesn't make bad money, he just doesn't necessarily make enough money. And this, my friends, is very frustrating. I go without things that I actually need in order to provide for my child. I just don't see how much thinner I can stretch things to accommodate another child. And so, to me, as he sits with his finger up his asshole, he's preventing us from doing the very thing he says he wants.

And once again, I am left with disappointment and heartbreak.