Okay, let me start by saying this: This is a topic that is very serious in nature and in no way am I jumping on some bandwagon. I'm simply happy that the conversation is finally starting on this particular subject. The subject in question? Bullying.
Lately, there's been a rash of publicized suicides of teens who have been bullied. Unfortunately, this is not a new epidemic. This is something that has been a continual problem in our society for many decades. Possibly longer. Perhaps not the suicide part, but definitely the bullying.
Yes, I was bullied. And for me, it never did get better. I remember being bullied, teased and picked on starting in Preschool. Yes, Preschool. And it never let up. EVER. I am a grown woman approaching her twenty-ninth year of life and I still remember the taunts and teases from when I was younger than my own daughter currently is.
I also remember words of advice I was given along the way. Most notably by a now long-time family friend who meant well; Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me. Oh, aunt Katharine, how wrong you were. Not only could they hurt, but for many of us, they can scar us for life.
When you are repeatedly told that you are worthless, ugly, stupid, useless and that you don't deserve to live, by your peers, it sticks with you. Over the years I have had severe issues with body image, self-esteem and discerning my own self worth. In middle school, I kept a journal of all the taunts, teases and insults that were being thrown at me daily, so that I could prove to the teachers and principle that I wasn't making things up. That their "prize students" were indeed big fat bullies.
When I was born, I was born with a partially cleft palate, which mostly affected my nose and closed upper lip. I was lucky that I didn't need surgery, as most babies with a Cleft Palate do. I also broke my nose when I was three, in such a way that they were unable to reset it properly. My entire life, I have been taunted about my nose. So much so that I have for many years contemplated cosmetic surgery. As if I could ever justify, let alone afford, such a procedure. But it never failed, that while many say they never noticed, there was always someone who did, pointed it out to everyone and forever taunted me about it.
I never fit in. I was always "that" kid, the one everyone knew, but hardly any were friends with and was always on the fringe of things. Despite eventually finding a few good friends over the years, those taunts and teases haunt me to this day. Sometimes a memory is triggered by a similar occurrence or something someone says. Sometimes they come uninvited with no trigger whatsoever. There have been many occasions where I have had to use much effort as I could put forth just to push through one of those memories. Some of them are enough to bring me to tears, decades later.
And while it's great that everyone can say "it gets better" - and it does - it doesn't change the serious nature and fact that for some, the pain is just too great. I myself contemplated suicide on more than one occasion when things just got to be too much to bear. Before switching schools my Junior year, I wanted to drop out. I had a particularly heart-wrenching breakdown in front of my Father where I begged him to let me just get my GED so that I could just go on to community college instead of finishing out High School. And that's just one of many scenarios I could share.
The truth of the matter is, the bullying that I endured has followed me into my adult life. It has affected relationships that I have had (or in some cases, not had), affected certain decisions about what direction I should go. It's affected my confidence on so many different levels that it's immeasurable. It is one of the contributing (the largest by far) factors to my Clinical Depression. And that makes me angry as well as scared for all the kids who's futures could be affected like mine has been. And I certainly don't want my own child to have to endure any of that either.
I think that it is important as parents to stop bullying behaviors when we see them. Face the issue head on. And I don't care if the child is yours or not. It is YOUR responsibility as an adult to take that child aside and say "Hey, that is NOT okay!" As Adults, it is our job to look out for ALL children when you are already a parent, "it takes a village" was no joke of a term. It truly does take a village to raise a child. You need other parents to step up and help you out. The Adults need to be held accountable because it's obvious when I see a bully, it's usually because their parents never curbed the behavior on, or it's similar behavior as to what they experience at home. They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree; and they're usually correct.
So parents... stand up. Take responsibility. Curb those behaviors early. Because if you don't, your own child could be next.
3 comments:
Yes. This.
I know I can completely relate. And I know plenty of people can. Bullying is definitely not a new thing...but its longevity doesn't mean that it's "kids being kids". It's learned behavior, and it needs to stop being taught.
I know it's not new. I think many from the older generation (our parents and those a little older) don't see a problem and are the ones giving advice such as "Sticks and stones" or "Ignore them" or "It doesn't matter what they say or think". Actually, it does matter. One of the most ingrained human responses in a society (it's a biological reflex, not one we can actually control well) is to be accepted by ones peers. To not be accepted during early human development meant starvation or freezing to death because you needed your peers, your fellow villagers, to help you survive. We might not necessarily need that today, but it's certainly something that is still very much ingrained into our genetic make-up.
And it's definitely not just "kids being kids" and NEVER should have been accepted to begin with. But it is most definitely a learned behavior. I know one little girl who has been becoming quite a bully to my own child. I am doing all I can to get this to stop. I did find out from her own mother that the way this particular child is treating MY child is the way this other child was treated somewhere else. See? Learned behavior. And it's UNACCEPTABLE learned behavior.
My own child has in turn applied what she has learned through this bully and attempted to use it herself. Both children use the behavior on others who are slightly "weaker" (younger, thinner, literally weaker in physical strength) and had it happen to them by someone who was "stronger". And it's just not okay. It scares me to death that my own child could become a bully because of this and I REFUSE to let that happen.
(This is Murray btw... had to sign in on Nicole's acct. to post.)
Right there with you, luv. If I can say anything positive about having a bullied childhood, it's that we the outcast do seem to have a gift for finding each other later in life. Yes, we all carry mental scars, and some of us are in therapy, on drugs, or have even been committed, but in the end those crosses we've bared have also turned us into more compassionate, understanding friends, spouses, and parents. I'm not saying it's fair or balanced. I'm saying that if you or I or anyone else we know in the same boat was weak-willed, we'd have offed ourselves a long time ago. No, we are spiritual warriors of the utmost calibur! You are one of the strongest people I know. I love you.
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